


Mistake

by Anshie



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Drama, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Character Death, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Tragedy, coping with bereavement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-19 21:45:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20664281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anshie/pseuds/Anshie
Summary: A normal and healthy teenager usually doesn’t think too much about death. It’s something so far away, almost unreal and not important – until it happens. And suddenly, without a warning, becomes very real.





	Mistake

A traumatic experience can trigger all kind of interesting physical as well as mental reactions from a human being. Interesting probably only for doctors and studies though. Not quite so much for the one undergoing the actual situation. A normal and healthy teenager usually doesn’t think too much about death. It’s something so far away, almost unreal and not important – until it happens. And suddenly, without a warning, becomes very real. 

During the first days after he found his boyfriend dead in his room, Mafuyu didn’t talk. He didn’t eat. He didn’t drink more than a few sips of water. He didn’t sleep until he passed out now and then for a few hours. 

It wasn’t that he did all that on purpose. Quite the opposite. When he heard his mother crying in the kitchen, he wished he could make her stop. He wished, he could do right the right thing, to make her feel better. 

“He doesn’t talk to me about it,” he heard her say on the phone. “How should I help him, if he doesn’t tell me about his feelings?” 

He didn’t know who she was talking to. A friend? A therapist maybe. 

Without entering the kitchen, Mafuyu turned around and went back to his room. 

He didn’t talk about his feelings. Again. He caused pain to people around him because he was unable to express how he truly felt. Was this a curse? Was it his fate to always make people he loves suffer because of him? If that was the case, then maybe it was better to not get close to anyone ever again. 

His mother had to leave for work. 

“Did you eat something?” She asked upon return. 

Mafuyu quietly nodded. He hid some pudding and an apple in his room to make her believe that at least something was missing from the fridge. He hated himself for lying to her. 

In the evening of day three, he was sitting on his bed, staring at the pudding on his desk. His eyes hurt from the lack of sleep. His lips where chapped from being dehydrated. When he licked over them, he could taste blood. He wasn’t forcing himself not to eat or drink. It was just that he didn’t feel any hunger. He knew he should eat at least that pudding. It wasn’t normal to not feel hungry after 3 days without food. Under normal circumstances, he would be starving. And he loved this pudding! He remembered the many times when he went to the convenience store with Yuki… 

~ † ~ 

“You can never pass this shelf without taking one of these,” Yuki had said with a teasing grin when his boyfriend’s hand reached out for the vanilla pudding. “Are you so sweet because you eat so many sweets?” 

“Ha-ha,” Mafuyu replied to the pick-up line with a plain expression. From any other person, he would have considered such words as being lame and outdated. But if it was Yuki, then it was okay. It was cute, actually, even if Mafuyu didn’t admit it to him. 

“Or maybe you will just get fat,” Yuki added, shrugging his shoulders, while they made their way to the counter. 

“Will you still love me when I’m fat?” Mafuyu asked monotonous, almost sounding as if he took the words a bit too serious. 

“Hah?” Yuki raised an eyebrow. “Of course!” 

“Then I don’t mind.” 

~ † ~ 

Mafuyu couldn’t eat the pudding. 

... 

Sleeping was both, a blessing and a curse. 

It took long until he managed to fall asleep from exhaustion. But when he did, it seemed as if his dreams tried to comfort him. He didn’t have nightmares and that surprised him. He thought he would relive that horrible scenario; he would see Yuki’s lifeless face in his nightmares. But he didn’t. The truth was that he didn’t need to be asleep for that. This nightmare followed him all the time while being awake. In fact, not a single second passed in which he didn’t replay this scene in his head and was forced to witness it again and again. 

When he was asleep though, he was freed from that constant burden. 

He dreamt of the beach. He could smell the fresh sea breeze, he could hear the sound of the waves.  
He dreamt of his most special moments with Yuki… 

~ † ~ 

They were lying in bed, both on their sides to face each other, blanket covering their naked bodies. It was winter, but neither of them felt cold. Without a word they quietly looked into each other’s eyes, so full of warmth and love, if not pure adoration. Mafuyu was drawing small circles on his boyfriend’s palm, playing with his fingers. He didn’t know how long they were lying like this. 

Suddenly Yuki smiled – and then made a crossed-eyed grimace. 

Mafuyu couldn’t help but laughing. 

“Idiot,” he mumbled and playfully slapped Yuki’s arm. 

Yuki started laughing, too. “You laughed first, I won!” 

~ † ~ 

Mafuyu could still hear Yuki’s voice in his head, he still remembered his smell, and the feeling of his warm skin whenever they touched. 

When he woke up, for a few seconds between those precious memories and cruel reality, he couldn’t tell apart which was which. He looked at the sheets next to him and had the feeling that someone had been lying there just a moment ago. He touched the spot where Yuki’s head had been resting on the pillow so many times in the past. It was cold. 

But despite the cold, it felt as if Yuki was still somehow there. In this room, very close to him. It was difficult to describe. 

Mafuyu grabbed the pillow and pulled it closer. At some point it had kinda turned into Yuki’s pillow. Whenever Yuki had stayed overnight, he had used it. Mafuyu put his head onto the soft cover, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He tried to force himself to sleep again. He didn’t want to be awake. Sleeping was better. There was no reason to be awake when Yuki wasn’t here anymore. He could as well spend the rest of his life sleeping. 

But he didn’t fall asleep. 

No comforting dream. 

Just a living nightmare. 

… 

Mafuyu didn’t want to talk to a doctor. But his mother asked him to, so he went there to make her feel better. 

Once more he failed to express his feelings. A therapist asked him all kind of questions, told him all kind of comforting phrases, carefully learnt by heart from psychology books at university. Mafuyu didn’t say much and didn’t go there a second time. 

He got medication which should help him relaxing and sleeping better. He wasn’t sure why he should relax though. It wasn’t that he was shouting and crying or anything. In fact, he wished he could cry. But that worked just as well as eating or drinking. 

At least when it came to sleep, the meds seemed to fulfil their purpose. They did make him sleepy. They helped him escaping into a world where Yuki was still there. A world which Mafuyu gladly stepped into. One he started preferring over reality. 

One day – he didn’t know how many days after Yuki’s funeral – he was sitting on his bed, a dozen of pills in his open palm. The emptied pillbox next to him on the blanket. For how long was he staring at them? Small, round and white. How could such a simple thing help so much more than anything else these days? If one of them made it possible to see his beloved one again for at least a few hours, then maybe a dozen or two would reunite them for eternity. Just like it was supposed to be. Because they were meant to be together and what had happened was nothing but a mistake. He just wanted to fix this distorted reality. 

There was a knock on the door, and he heard his mother call his name. She didn’t wait for a reply but opened the door ajar. 

“Mafuyu, do you- Oh my god!” 

… 

He made her cry again. 

If only he could take away her ability to cry and implant it into himself. 

He didn’t take a single pill anymore after that day. 

The hunger eventually came back. The sleep pattern turned more or less back to normal. The dreams became less frequent, less vivid. When he woke up, he didn’t feel Yuki’s presence in the room anymore and it only made him miss the other boy more and more. It felt as if he was drifting further and further away from him. 

What remained the same was the unbearable silence. Mafuyu kept words at the necessary minimum and was unable to shed a single tear. 

… 

He stared at the guitar leaning against the wall next to his desk and mentally cursed it. 

If Yuki wouldn’t have started making music, if he wouldn’t have spent more time practicing than with Mafuyu, then maybe they would have never had this argument. 

No matter how much Mafuyu had loved music. Right now, he cursed it from the bottom of his heart. 

Still, the guitar was leaning there, unimpressed, as if glaring back at him, mocking him with its broken strings as if to reflect his broken heart. 

Mafuyu didn’t want to see it ever again. 

And at the same time, he wanted to hold on to it for dear life and never let go of that last thing which was left of the person he loved so, so much. 

Maybe it was the burden he was meant to carry from now on. As a constant reminder of the sin he committed. As a reminder, to never make the same mistake, ever again. 

~ * ~ 

“Are you mad about something?”, Mafuyu asks Ritsuka. 

While he still thought he wasn’t good in talking about his feelings, he had always been empathic. The air between them felt heavy. He could sense that there was something wrong. He simply wasn’t quite sure what it was. 

“You know… lately you’re so often with Kaji-san,” Ritsuka mumbled to himself, unsure how to explain his point. Communication could seriously be such a pain in the ass. “Did you really think I wouldn’t get angry?” 

Oh. So, he _was_ angry. Mafuyu’s gut feeling had been right. But what did that have to do with Kaji-san? What was so wrong about spending time with their band colleague? Mafuyu still had a lot to learn about music and he gladly took all help he could get to improve. 

“Shit…” Ritsuka hissed and then turned around. “Whatever.” 

The bad feeling in Mafuyu’s chest grew immensely the moment Ritsuka took his eyes off him and turned away. 

It was almost like an instinct which made Mafuyu reach out and grab his boyfriend’s backpack and shirt with both hands to hold him back, to make sure Ritsuka wouldn’t walk away, wouldn’t… leave him. 

“Why… are you angry?” Mafuyu asked carefully. It wasn’t that he couldn’t have guessed. But he wanted to hear it from him. It was important, that Ritsuka explained it by himself. 

But at the question, Ritsuka seemed to be getting only angrier. 

“Hah? You seriously don’t get it? Are you an idiot?” he yelled. He didn’t want to argue with Mafuyu and he didn’t want to yell. But in this very moment, he felt as if Mafuyu was just playing dump to make him confess embarrassing stuff. 

“I… don’t,” Mafuyu answered, head lowered, fingers still clinging to Ritsuka’s bag and shirt. “Maybe I do… or I don’t. I don’t know.” 

His voice sounded insecure and trembling and it made Ritsuka feel only worse. Ritsuka could tell that Mafuyu wasn’t acting. He honestly didn’t seem to understand the problem. It left Ritsuka completely puzzled. He had never been in a situation like that before and had no clue how to react. 

“Which one is it?” he asked with an still annoyed tone in his voice. 

Mafuyu’s next sentence though came out a lot faster and louder than expected. 

“If we don’t clear it up properly right now-“ 

He stopped mid-sentence and stared at Ritsuka with big eyes as if he was shocked about the volume of his own voice, as if for a second, he had forgotten that they were still standing in the empty classroom. 

Ritsuka stared back at him just as shocked. He recognized that expression. He had seen it before. Mafuyu looked close to crying. And while it made Ritsuka feel horribly guilty – because his jealousy was obviously the reason for this mess – he also didn’t quite understand why such a superficial, minor argument threw Mafuyu so off course. He could only guess. 

“…it will be… too late,” Mafuyu finished his sentence, though, the second part of it came out a lot quieter and more desperate. 

For a second there, Ritsuka was just staring into beautiful, big amber eyes, eyes which had seen things not meant for them. Communication was indeed a pain in the ass. And Ritsuka sucked at it. 

So instead of further attempts, he simply wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s back and pulled him into a hug. 

If one of them was an idiot, it was definitely Ritsuka, was what he thought. He had been egoistic and annoyed just because he couldn’t spend enough time with Mafuyu. Because he started being clingy. Because he wanted him all for himself. Because he was so, so, so madly in love with this boy. 

“Reply to my texts,” Ritsuka mumbled against Mafuyu’s shoulder and it took a load of his mind, when he could feel Mafuyu hugging him back. “And involve me in the composition process.” 

“But I haven’t gotten anywhere,” Mafuyu admitted. So, he had guessed right. Ritsuka was jealous. He was glad that he managed to clear that up. “You know?” he added and pulled back just enough to look at Ritsuka’s face. “Kaji-san isn’t interested in me.” Just to make that clear, too. 

“I know!” Ritsuka hissed with an obvious flush on his cheeks and pulled Mafuyu’s cheeks to make them turn equally red. Damn, how embarrassing! As if he would have ever thought that his band colleague was some sort of rival when it came to Mafuyu. He obviously wasn’t! But… that didn’t mean that Ritsuka couldn’t be jealous about the time Kaji-san got to spend with Mafuyu, while Ritsuka had been left out. 

The longer he looked at his boyfriend, the more the atmosphere seemed to change. Gone was all that anger now that they talked about it. Even if it probably wouldn’t win the award for the smoothest conversation between couples… But it fulfilled its purpose and that was all that mattered. 

Ritsuka looked into Mafuyu’s eyes, his lips pressed together as if he was concentratedly thinking about an idea which had just crossed his mind. 

And for once it wasn’t that difficult for Mafuyu to read what exactly his boyfriend was thinking about. 

“We’re inside a classroom,” he said, bringing back reality and putting his hand up between their faces before Ritsuka could lean in to kiss him. 

“Come on, cut me some slack,” Ritsuka mumbled disappointedly. Just one kiss. Just one small kiss as compensation. He was still shy just thinking about kissing Mafuyu but right now his desire to taste these soft lips once more was way bigger than the embarrassment which came with asking for it. 

“There are people in the hallway,” Mafuyu tried to reason once more while his hand was pulled down by Ritsuka’s and he was shoved back against the wall with the other leaning closer to him. His heart started racing. Ritsuka’s forceful demeanour made him feel the famous proverbial butterflies in his stomach and it was utter pointless to deny that he was longing for this closeness just as much. 

“There are, but…” Ritsuka started, torn between giving up and trying to coax Mafuyu some more. He could see a soft shade of red on Mafuyu’s cheeks, which made him look only more adorable, made it only more impossible for Ritsuka to pull back. 

But suddenly, unexpectedly, the one closing the gap between their lips, was Mafuyu himself. Ritsuka’s eyes were wide open in surprise and for a second, he held his breath. 

Mafuyu tilted his head a bit to the side, allowing Ritsuka to deepen the kiss. He initiated it but now that he gave permission, he let Ritsuka have control. He leaned into the kiss, eyes closed, hands against Ritsuka’s shirt. It made him nervous and his heart wouldn’t stop beating heavily in his chest but at the same time, it somehow made him calm down. Forgotten was that stupid argument, forgotten was the yelling and mean words. 

This was right. This was how it should be. 

_“Yuki… _

_I won’t make the same mistake twice.”_

**Author's Note:**

> This scene of Uenoyama and Mafuyu in the manga is my favorite so far, because Mafuyu's reaction to their very small argument shows so much how about what he's been through and how much it still affects him. Poor baby! (;^;) Hope you liked this fic!
> 
> If you wanna cry over Given with me, my Twitter is: Ansuchi


End file.
